PHYSICAL ACTIVITY AND CHILDREN

Why is exercise or physical activity important for my child?

Increased physical activity has been associated with an increased life expectancy and decreased risk of cardiovascular disease.  Physical activity produces overall physical, psychological and social benefits. Inactive children are likely to become inactive adults. And physical activity helps with

• controlling weight
• reducing blood pressure
• raising HDL ("good") cholesterol
• reducing the risk of diabetes and some kinds of cancer
• improved psychological well-being, including gaining more self-confidence and higher self-esteem 

How do I promote physical activity in my child?

• Physical activity should be increased by reducing sedentary time (e.g., watching television, playing computer video games or talking on the phone).
• Physical activity should be fun for children and adolescents.
• Parents should try to be role models for active lifestyles and provide children with opportunities for increased physical activity.

What if my child is uncoordinated or overweight?

All children, even less-coordinated ones, need to be physically active.  Activity may be particularly helpful for the physical and psychological well-being of children with a weight problem.

The American Heart Association recommends:

• All children age 2 and older should participate in at least 60 minutes of enjoyable, moderate-intensity physical activities every day that are developmentally appropriate and varied.
• If your child or children don't have a full 60-minute activity break each day, try to provide at least two 30-minute periods or four 15-minute periods in which they can engage in vigorous activities appropriate to their age, gender and stage of physical and emotional development.

EARLY STIMULATION PROMOTES CHILDREN ABILITY

There are many hereditary, environmental, and physical factors that contribute to one’s intellect, and it is difficult to isolate the particular influences. For many children who have difficulty in school, we will never know precisely why their ability to learn is limited. Let me tell you what is now known about intellectual development that may explain some – but not all – cases of learning deficits.

Accumulating evidence seems to indicate that some children who are slow learners and even those who have borderline retardation may not have received proper intellectual stimulation in their very early years. There appears to be a critical period during the first three to four years when the potential for intellectual growth must be seized. There are enzyme systems in the brain that must be activated during this brief window. If the opportunity is missed, the child may never reach his capacity.

Children who grow up in deprived circumstances are more likely to be slow learners. They may not have heard adult language regularly. They may not have been provided with interesting books and puzzles to stimulate their sensory apparatus. They may not have been taken to the zoo, the airport, or other exciting places. They may not have received daily training and guidance from adults. This lack of stimulation may inhibit the brain from developing properly.

The effect of early stimulation on living brains has been studied in several fascinating animal experiments. In one study, researchers divided littermate rats into two identical groups. The first was given maximum stimulation during the first few months of life. These rats were kept in well-lighted cages, surrounded by interesting paddle wheels and other toys. They were handled regularly and allowed to explore outside their cages. They were subjected to learning experiences and then rewarded for remembering.

The second group lived the opposite kind of existence. These rats crouched in dimly lit, drab, uninteresting cages. They were not handled or stimulated in any way, and were not permitted outside their cages. Both groups were fed identically.

At 105 days of age, the rats?were sacrificed to permit examination of their neurological apparatus. The researchers were surprised to find that the high-stimulation rats had brains that differed in several important ways: (1) the cortex (the thinking part of the brain) was thicker and wider; (2) the blood supply was much more abundant; (3) the enzymes necessary for learning were more sophisticated. The researchers concluded that the stimulation experienced during the first group’s early lives had resulted in more advanced and complex brains.

It is always risky to apply conclusions from animal research directly to humans, but the same kinds of changes probably occur in the brains of highly stimulated children. If parents want their children to be capable, they should begin by talking to them at length while they are still babies. Interesting mobiles and winking-blinking toys should be arranged around the crib. From then on through the toddler years, learning activities should be programmed regularly.

Of course, parents must understand the difference between stimulation and pressure. Providing books for a 3-year-old is stimulating. Ridiculing and threatening him because he can’t read them is pressuring. Imposing unreachable expectations can have a damaging effect on children.

If early stimulation is as important as it now appears, then the lack thereof may be a leading cause of learning impairment among schoolchildren. It is imperative that parents take the time and invest their resources in their children. The necessity for providing rich, edifying experiences for young children has never been as obvious as it is today.

TEACHING CHILDREN MORAL AN SPIRITUAL VALUES

Moral and value education has been the subject of a number of studies, each of which has expanded on the studies prior to it. Three pivotal studies are those done by Drs. Piaget, Kohlberg and Turiel. These studies each focused on a different method of teaching morals and values but there are common threads that run between them all.

Values Through Cooperation and Decision Making

Jean Piaget’s 1932 study examined how well children learn basic morality. He concluded that moral development follows a similar path through all children. Like all skills, the basic functions are learned first and the more advanced functions follow.

Piaget applied this theory towards teaching moral development. His idea was that children would develop morally if they had to cooperate with one another to solve problems. By working together they would gain an understanding of what kept the group together – namely, the individuals in the group working together and avoiding morally wrong decisions.

CHILDREN COOKING

BREAKFAST BENEFITS

Breakfast has been called the most important meal of the day, and with good reason. While every meal counts toward good nutrition, the facts are on the table: Eating in the morning has positive effects on health and on kids' ability to learn.

What's a nutritious breakfast? A meal consisting of foods from at least two of the five food groups is healthiest, but the truth is that noshing on nearly any food in the morning is better than none, especially when it come to kids.

It's a good idea to get your child into the habit of eating breakfast before he begins kindergarten. That's because youngsters who eat breakfast tend to fare better in school and have a healthier overall diet. Hunger makes it harder to keep your mind focused on learning, no matter what your age. In fact, studies show breakfast skippers are often more irritable and have shorter attention spans. Here's a possible explanation. When you forgo eating in the morning, blood glucose levels drop. Glucose is the fuel cells need to function, so brain cells become particularly sluggish when glucose concentrations are insufficient. Without adequate energy, young minds get fuzzy, hampering concentration and memory.

Without the morning meal, kids are hard-pressed to meet daily nutrient needs, too. A simple, easy-to-fix meal of fortified cereal with eight ounces of milk and six ounces of orange juice provides substantial amounts of a variety of nutrients, particularly B vitamins, vitamins C and D, calcium, folic acid, and iron if the cereal is fortified with it.

Navigate the Morning Rush
With all the promise of the morning meal, why don't more kids eat breakfast? You're probably pressed for time in the morning, and so are your children. Simplify your morning routine with these tips:

• Get up ten minutes earlier.
• Give up morning television and computer games in favor of concentrating on the task at hand: eating breakfast.
• Stock the kitchen with healthy, quick-to-fix breakfast foods, including cereal, waffles, pancakes, milk, juice, cottage cheese, bread, fruit, and peanut butter.
• The night before kindergarten or nursery school, help kids pack their school bags and decide what to wear the next day to reduce the morning chaos.

On the Menu: Not Your Basic Breakfast Foods
Your kids may balk at traditional breakfast foods, but that doesn't mean they must go without. Here's how to jazz up the morning meal.

• Split a bagel. Spread each half with peanut butter and sprinkle with raisins. Serve with milk.
• Warm up leftover pizza or serve it cold. Have kids sip juice to go with it.
• Combine a soft pretzel, string cheese, and fresh fruit for breakfast.
• Serve 8 ounces of yogurt, a piece of toast, and juice.
• Mix it up with a hard-boiled egg, small roll, and a piece of fruit.
• Heat a freshly made or frozen pancake, spread with peanut butter, top with sliced banana, and roll up.
• Layer one or two slices of turkey breast and one slice cheese on a tortilla or colorful sandwich wrap. Roll up. Serve with juice or with fruit.
• Concoct a breakfast parfait with layers of fruit yogurt; sliced fresh fruit; and crunchy, iron-fortified cereal. Kids love this in an ice cream cone.
• Swirl applesauce and raisins into warm oatmeal. Serve with milk.
• Combine in a blender until frothy: ½ cup lemon yogurt, ½ cup milk, dash vanilla extract, and 2 ice cubes. Complement with a slice of whole grain toast.
• Scramble an egg, stuff into half a pita pocket, and top with ketchup or mild salsa, if desired. Serve with juice or fruit.
• Puree chunks of peaches, pears, or apples in the blender or food processor. Thin with fruit juice to desired consistency. Use instead of syrup on fat waffles and pancakes. Add milk to make a meal.
• Mix cottage cheese with chopped peaches, pears, or apples. Spread on whole wheat crackers or toast.

DAY CARE CENTERS AND PRESCHOOL

Day care centers, as well as preschools, typically are institutional settings similar to elementary schools. Often, children are grouped in classroom-type arrangements according to age, with one or more teachers or aides. Each class usually will follow a lesson plan similar to those used in grade schools. These school-like surroundings are one of the main differences from family day care.

Day Care Centers
Day care centers provide supervision to children in a larger group environment during set hours. A typical center might remain open from 6:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m., Monday through Friday, although there are any number of variations on opening hours for different facilities. Some programs provide care into the evening, overnight, or on weekends.

Another major advantage to choosing a day care center is that centers are able to remain open if one of the employees is ill. In a family day care setting, discussed in Family Day Care, there may only be one caregiver, forcing the need to make other arrangements if the caregiver is sick. Absent a facility-wide outbreak of an illness, a day care center can be relied upon to remain open on all of its regular business days.

Day care centers also are seen by some as safer than family day care or in-home situations, mainly because of the number of people present in the facility. With a greater number of staff, not to mention all of the parents coming and going throughout the day, it is less likely that a situation of abuse or neglect toward any child would occur without anyone noticing.

Disadvantages
On the flip side, there are several disadvantages with day care centers, mainly related to the number of staff members and the number of children. The biggest problem has to do with children-to-staff ratios. Higher numbers of children per staff member generally correlates with lower quality of care. Unfortunately, in many cases, day care center staff is underpaid, leading to unfilled positions and high turnover. This results in higher children-to-staff ratios than are desirable, and possibly to less stability in the care that the children receive.

The sheer number of children in day care centers is also seen as a disadvantage by many parents. If there are four, five, or even more rooms, even if there are fewer than ten children per room, there are far more children present than there would be in a family day care setting. More children means more germs, and of course, a greater chance that your child will come home with a nasty cold, strep throat, or worse.

Another potential sticking point for families is the philosophy of the individual program. Sometimes, day care centers tend to be play-based rather than educationally focused. This is seen as a deficiency by some parents, who prefer that their children are provided with scholastic experiences when in childcare situations. At the same time, there are plenty of day care centers that provide an actual curriculum for enrolled children. Check for National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) accreditation, which is discussed in Evaluating out of home childcare. If the facility is accredited, it has a curriculum that meets NAEYC standards.

CHEATING

What Exactly Is Cheating?

Cheating is when a person misleads, deceives, or acts dishonestly on purpose. For kids, cheating may happen at school, at home, or while playing a sport. If a baseball team is for kids who are 8 or younger, it's cheating for a 9-year-old to play on the team and hit home run after home run.

At school, in addition to cheating on a test, a kid might cheat by stealing someone else's idea for a science project or by copying a book report off the Internet and turning it in as if it's his or her original work. Copying someone else's words or work and saying they're yours is a type of cheating called plagiarizing (say: play-jeh-rise-ing).

Why Kids Cheat 

Some kids cheat because they're busy or lazy and they want to get good grades without spending the time studying. Other kids might feel like they can't pass the test without cheating. Even when there seems to be a "good reason" for cheating, cheating isn't a good idea.

If you were sick or upset about something the night before and couldn't study, it would be better to talk with the teacher about this. And if you don't have enough time to study for a test because of swim practice, you need to talk with your parents about how to balance swimming and school.

A kid who thinks cheating is the only way to pass a test needs to talk with the teacher and his or her parents so they can find some solutions together. Talking about these problems and working them out will feel better than cheating.

CENTRAL AUDITORY PROCESSING DISORDER

About Auditory Processing Disorder

Auditory processing disorder (APD), also known as central auditory processing disorder (CAPD), is a complex problem affecting about 5% of school-aged children. These kids can't process the information they hear in the same way as others because their ears and brain don't fully coordinate. Something adversely affects the way the brain recognizes and interprets sounds, most notably the sounds composing speech.

Kids with APD often do not recognize subtle differences between sounds in words, even when the sounds are loud and clear enough to be heard. These kinds of problems usually occur in background noise, which is a natural listening environment. So kids with APD have the basic difficulty of understanding any speech signal presented under less than optimal conditions.

Detecting APD

Kids with APD are thought to hear normally because they can usually detect pure tones that are delivered one by one in a very quiet environment (such as a sound-treated room). Those who can normally detect sounds and recognize speech in ideal listening conditions are not considered to have hearing difficulties.

However, the ability to detect the presence of sounds is only one part of the processing that occurs in the auditory system. So, most kids with APD do not have a loss of hearing sensitivity, but have a hearing problem in the sense that they do not process auditory information normally.

If the auditory deficits aren't identified and managed early, many of these kids will have speech and language delays and academic problems.

Symptoms of APD can range from mild to severe and can take many different forms. If you think your child might have a problem processing sounds, consider these questions:

• Is your child easily distracted or unusually bothered by loud or sudden noises?
• Are noisy environments upsetting to your child?
• Does your child's behavior and performance improve in quieter settings?
• Does your child have difficulty following directions, whether simple or complicated?
• Does your child have reading, spelling, writing, or other speech-language difficulties?
• Is abstract information difficult for your child to comprehend?
• Are verbal (word) math problems difficult for your child?
• Is your child disorganized and forgetful?
• Are conversations hard for your child to follow?

APD is an often misunderstood problem because many of the behaviors noted above also can appear in other conditions like learning disabilities, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and even depression. Although APD is often confused with ADHD, it is possible to have both. It is also possible to have APD and specific language impairment or learning disabilities.

ASPERGER SYNDROME

An Autism Spectrum Disorder

 

Asperger syndrome (AS) is a neurobiological disorder that is part of a group of conditions called autism spectrum disorders. The term "autism spectrum" refers to a range of developmental disabilities that includes autism as well as other disorders with similar characteristics.

They are known as spectrum disorders because the symptoms of each can appear in different combinations and in varying degrees of severity: two children with the same diagnosis, though they may share certain patterns of behavior, can exhibit a wide range of skills and abilities.

As a result, general terms such as "low-functioning," "high-functioning," "autistic tendencies," "pervasive developmental disorder," and others are often used to describe children whose behaviors fall within the spectrum. Kids with AS share many of the same symptoms as those with "high-functioning autism."

It's estimated that more than 400,000 families are affected by AS. Because milder cases are being identified more frequently, the incidence appears to be increasing. However, like other autism spectrum disorders, AS is often difficult to diagnose and treat.

About Asperger Syndrome

The disorder is named after Hans Asperger, a Viennese pediatrician who, in 1940, first described a set of behavior patterns apparent in some of his patients, mostly males. Asperger noticed that although these boys had normal intelligence and language development, they had severely impaired social skills, were unable to communicate effectively with others, and had poor coordination.

According to the Asperger Syndrome Coalition of the United States, the onset of AS is later than what is typical in autism — or at least it is recognized later. Many kids are diagnosed after age 3, with most diagnosed between the ages of 5 and 9.

AS is characterized by poor social interactions, obsessions, odd speech patterns, and other peculiar mannerisms. Kids with AS often have few facial expressions and have difficulty reading the body language of others; they might engage in obsessive routines and display an unusual sensitivity to sensory stimuli (for example, they may be bothered by a light that no one else notices; they may cover their ears to block out sounds in the environment; or they might prefer to wear clothing made only of a certain material).

BODILY FUNCTIONS

Many preschoolers regularly see their parents completely or partially nude—either coming out of the shower, getting dressed, or using the toilet. Yet some parents feel uncomfortable about exposing their children to their naked bodies.

It won't do your child any harm to see you naked as long as you remain relaxed and comfortable about your nakedness. Modeling comfort with (or even pride in) your naked body is not at all a bad thing for your child. After all, you want her to feel comfortable and proud about her body too, don't you?

If you don't feel comfortable being naked in front of your preschooler then don't feel obligated to do so. In fact, if anyone in your household (you, your partner, or your child) feels uncomfortable with nudity, then it only makes sense to respect and consider his or her feelings and cover yourself up. Your child can find out about the differences between male and female anatomy or the anatomy of children and adults in many other ways.

If your nudity prompts your child to ask questions about the different size and shape and hairiness of his or her genitalia compared to yours, reassure your preschooler that all the parts of the body will grow and change as he or she does. A comparison with adult genitalia may make your child feel somewhat inadequate. To avoid this, you'll need to reassure your child that his or her genitalia are just the right size and shape for now—and will be just the right size and shape when he or she grows up, too.

TEACH YOUR PRESCHOOLERS WHERE BABIES COME FROM

Another common starting place for parent-child discussions of sex is the question of where babies come from. Especially if you're having a baby of your own, your preschooler will be curious about how, for example, the baby will get out of mama's belly. You can initiate these questions by pointing out women who are pregnant to your child.

In answering your preschooler's questions about where babies come from, remember to let your child lead the discussion and determine its direction. Provide the simplest possible answer first. If your child is satisfied with your answer, leave it at that. But if he asks more questions and shows he wants more information, then by all means go into more detail.

Try to avoid letting any embarrassment you may feel about the subject color the way you answer your child. All your preschooler wants is more knowledge. And there's really nothing unseemly about the knowledge he's asking for.

At three or four, your child is capable of understanding that a father provides the seeds or sperm and a mother provides the egg, and that when a seed and an egg join together, a baby starts to grow. This answer may be enough for your preschooler. But if he then asks where daddy and mommy keep their seeds and eggs, you can tell him about testicles and ovaries.

This anatomy lesson may prompt your child to ask how the sperm and egg get together. If he does, then there's no reason to avoid answering. Tell him that daddy has to put his penis in mommy's vagina so that sperm can (maybe) reach an egg. If you explain this as plainly and clearly as you can, your child will probably respond just as matter-of-factly: "Oh." Other common questions that preschoolers have about babies and pregnancy include:

READY OR NOT, HERE I COME. WHEN TO START THE KINDERGARTEN?

School districts around the country vary in their age requirements for starting kindergarten. Most suggest that children begin kindergarten in the first autumn after their fifth birthday. Yet your child's age alone is not as important a consideration as her age relative to her other classmates. Because children at this age are still maturing so rapidly, the youngest kid in the class is seldom as socially or emotionally mature as the older kids.

If your child turns five in the late spring or summer, she may have more difficulty adjusting to the changes of kindergarten than someone who will turn six in the late fall or winter. If your child then responds to this difficulty with negative behavior and poor social responses, her classmates may shun her and her self-esteem will plummet.

If you suspect that your child is a "young five" (in terms of maturity, not necessarily age), then you may decide it's best to hold her back a year. If you believe that regardless of her age relative to her classmates, your child has the social maturity to deal with kindergarten, then by all means enroll her.

Still not sure? You may want to take your child's social, cognitive, and motor skills into account. The following table provides a checklist in each of these three areas. Though your child certainly need not have mastered all of these skills by the time she enters kindergarten, she should have developed at least some of them. You might want to consider waiting a year unless you answer yes to at least a couple of questions in each area.

PRESCHOOLERS WHO AREN´T IN PRESCHOOL

f you don't send your child to preschool, he will depend solely on you to make sure he has a social life (or indeed any kind of life outside the home). As your child's exclusive caregiver, you are entirely responsible for what he learns, does, and enjoys. You become the sole source of new experiences, field trips, playdates, and introducing new things and people to play with.

If you choose to keep your preschooler at home, you'll need to find alternative ways to give him the opportunity and the encouragement he needs to make friends. (You'd also be well advised to find ways that allow your three-year-old to spend at least a short time without you or his special caregiver so that he gets used to the care and company of other adults.)

Especially if your three-year-old has never experienced daycare, he will probably find it easier to make friends in small groups rather than in large ones. So try to find a playgroup, class, or activity that might both further your child's social contacts and give him the opportunity to experience small group activities.

Hosting Playdates

Childproofing

If your child and her playmate are doing something unsafe or tempers flare, merely issuing a warning ("Be careful!" or "Calm down!") just doesn't cut it. Take a hands-on approach in enforcing such safety rules as "one at a time" on the swings or "no pushing" on the jungle gym. And whenever possible, separate and distract children before anger turns to aggression or violence.

Besides finding group situations for your child, try to arrange for playdates and special outings with one or two other preschoolers. Encourage your child to feel free to ask friends over to your home (or to ask you to call their parents to invite them over).

When you're hosting a playdate, keep in mind that three- and four-year-old playmates still need at least some adult supervision. Tempers flare much too quickly among preschoolers to leave them alone safely for more than a few minutes at a time. If you're the responsible adult in charge, you have a duty to make sure all children in your care remain safe from themselves and from one another.

Fortunately, this doesn't mean you need to watch the children like a mother hen. Indeed, you may find that you can get more accomplished and have more time to yourself when your child has a friend over to play with than when you are her sole source of entertainment and companionship. But you do need to stay close enough to be able to step in whenever anything threatens your child's—or your guest's—safety.

THREE TO SIX YEARS: DIETARY AND DEVELOPMENTAL HIGHLIGHTS

Around three, children become increasingly social, more independent, and even more fun to be with than they were before. Preschoolers are particularly playful people who can be quite jovial and entertaining. They love to run, jump, dance, climb, and roughhouse. They find humor in the ridiculous, often laughing easily at the drop of a hat. Clownlike behavior is par for the course.

By three, a child can typically tell you what he wants, even when he can't properly articulate every word or stammers when trying to get through a sentence. With more words at their command, preschoolers can verbalize their feelings. That helps them to work through the tussles they get into with siblings, peers, and parents, and also affords them the ability to voice their food preferences.

A preschooler's increasing physical prowess means more freedom for parents but doesn't decrease the need for supervision. For example, children typically complete toilet training by the end of their third year, which means no more diapers to change. But it does mean you must check to see that junior washes his hands thoroughly after each visit to the bathroom to prevent making himself, and others, ill. One thing's for sure: Your child will have developed self-feeding skills by age three, if not earlier. That means you won't have to spoon-feed him, freeing you up to converse with your youngster and to teach him table manners. Eating with your child with few distractions helps him focus on the task at hand, too.

Four- and five-year-olds are eager, enthusiastic learners with active imaginations. They are curious about numbers and letters and may be capable of reading and writing some simple words by the time they start kindergarten. As your child gets closer to five, you may notice that she is increasingly interested in learning new facts in a spontaneous, fun, and creative way. Now is a good time to get your child interested in food-related activities that not only foster an appreciation of a variety of foods but help her develop simple math and science skills. For example, cooking healthy foods with your child provides practical experience with math, for example, counting out the number of eggs needed, and encourages eye-hand coordination in the measuring of ingredients and in stirring. Setting the table means kids must figure the number of people eating as well as the utensils for each person.

While children ages three through six are relatively agreeable people most of the time, they tend to test their limits. Quite often, mealtime is the battleground. That's why parents must keep their cool, now more than ever.

YOUR TODDLER, THE ARTIST

Even one-year-olds take satisfaction in creating works of art and love to admire and show off the products of their work. You can encourage your young artist by giving him plenty of supplies:

Childproofing

Make sure that all art supplies used by your toddler are non-toxic—and hopefully washable, too.

• Throughout the second year, your child will find scribbling with crayons and chalk fun and easy. At the beginning of the year, you might do well to start with thick crayons and sidewalk chalk, but by the end of the year, he should be able to handle smaller crayons as well as chalkboard chalk.
• At one, your child will probably enjoy finger painting (unless he's exceedingly fastidious about clean hands), which allows a direct and sensual experience of creating art. A little later in the year, you can let him try his hand with a thick brush. You might want to give your toddler some valuable practice by giving him a large paint brush and a bucket of water so he can "paint" the sidewalk.
• Sculpting also offers your child a sensual experience of art. Media like molding clay and playdough—whether homemade or store-bought—will give your toddler a hands-on opportunity to create shapes, mix colors, and discover the delightful sensation of squishiness.
• If you don't want your toddler decorating the walls, floors, tables, and chairs, you'll need to provide him with plenty of surfaces on which he can create his work. Blank paper, the back of junk mail, and cardboard can all yield works for your permanent collection. For temporary exhibitions, try a chalkboard, washable placemats, your walkway, your driveway, or the sidewalk.

Music

For a year now, you've been singing songs to your child: lullabies at bedtime, silly songs at playtime, active songs like "If You're Happy and You Know It" and "Wheels on the Bus" in parent-baby play groups. Now it's time for the two of you to start singing together.

Certainly you should continue to sing lullabies and play songs to your child, but encourage your toddler to join in the clapping, stomping, and rolling wheels of active songs. Start to invite your child to sing along with you. (Many young children seem to know many more words in songs than they do in everyday conversation.)

Your child also can begin to make music with various musical instruments. Pot-and-pan "drums" allow your child to make delightful sounds—at least to your toddler. Other favorites include such simple musical instruments as a small xylophone, a toy piano, or an electric toy piano.

By the end of your toddler's second year, she may not just be banging at random anymore. Instead, she will start experimenting with carefully selected notes to see what "melody" they produce. (It may not necessarily be anything you would recognize, but it will be music to you child's ears.)

Continuing to read or recite nursery rhymes, like singing play songs and lullabies, will help improve your toddler's language comprehension and verbalization skills.

YOUR TODDLER´S DEVELOPMENT: BUILDING VOCABULARY

One thing about most two-year-olds: You can't get them to shut up. Your toddler is constantly talking, talking, talking. Your child wants you to understand her experience, just as she herself is beginning to make sense of it. So she is constantly trying to communicate with you

Your toddler's language skills expand dramatically in this third year. On your child's second birthday, she probably spoke around 200 to 300 words. By her third birthday, your toddler's vocabulary will jump to well over a thousand different words! What's more, vocabulary becomes a focus for your toddler's curiosity. Your two-year-old wants to be able to say more and understand more—and to do that, she needs to learn more words.

Childproofing

Early or precocious use of language is not necessarily a sign of your child's superior intellect. Likewise, comparatively slow mastery of language skills does not necessarily indicate inferior intellect. Remember that Albert Einstein didn't speak until very late in his toddlerhood.

Early in the third year, your child will employ language as one of her play materials. She'll use it just the same way she pounds and pounds on play dough: to come up with different shapes and see what she can make. Your child loves chanting, singing, and speaking the same words (or even just sounds) over and over again in a sing-song way.

Around her second birthday, your child may begin to put together two or three words to communicate a simple idea. At first, she'll sound like an old Western Union operator sending a telegram: "Dada, ball (STOP). Sara play (STOP)." But soon, your child will put together three-, four-, and even five-word sentences.

These sentences become increasingly complex throughout the year and may even begin to contain more than one idea. By her third birthday, your toddler may be telling you "stories"—perhaps narrating her life story to you, just as you did to her when she was younger. (In fact, if you listen closely, you might hear echoes of yourself and your partner as your child adopts some of your most-used phrases.) And, of course, your two-year-old will also ask you questions—incessantly.

THE PROS AND CONDS OF PRESCHOOL

The Benefits of Preschool Enrollment

From your perspective, preschool can be great because you have a guilt-free way to grab some hours for yourself. You can be confident that your child is doing something beneficial while you luxuriate in a hot bubble bath. Then again, you could use this time for household chores, but that's just silly.

The other benefit of a good preschool program is that it helps your child make the transition into an expanded world of people and experiences. Very few mothers can consistently provide a structured program of kid center activities like those you will find in a preschool. You would drive yourself crazy even trying. And in your immediate neighborhood it's often hard to come up with playmates of appropriate ages for your kids.

Finding a Good Preschool

A preschool does not have to be lavish or expensive to be good. You need to check references and whatever accreditation your state requires for preschool licensing. Many churches or synagogues have preschool programs, as do community centers.

If you work outside the home you can sometimes find preschool programs that also offer an “aftercare.” I was very lucky to find a preschool connected to another facility where my children could stay longer on some days and take swimming lessons. There are places like this out there—you just have to look for them.

Preschool gives children the opportunity to learn how to get along with other children. For an only child this can be a shock. These children are used to having free rein at the toy box, and in preschool they will have to learn the concept of taking turns. You will be surprised at what your child can do when in the hands of a neutral party. Your child will want to be completely babied by you but will act like a little lady or gentleman in the presence of the preschool teacher.

HAVE A POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON YOUR TODDLERS BEHAVIOR.

Bribes and rewards, punishments and threats don't work at this age. So if you want your toddler to behave in a certain way, you'll have to resort to trickery (though some might call it "guidance"). Remember, your willful one-year-old will "be good" only if he wants to do what you want to do. So all you have to do is figure out a trick that will make good behavior something your toddler wants to do.

Like Mary Poppins convincing Jane and Michael Banks to clean up their room, or like Tom Sawyer tricking other boys into whitewashing a fence for him, you can often get your toddler to do what you want without shouting, threats or bribery. It's simple really: If you make it seem like fun, your toddler will want to do it.

Do you want your toddler to pick up his toys? If you try ordering him to do it, your child will probably fight you every step of the way. You can yell, punish, grab your child's hand and lead him over to the toys, even wrap his fingers around one of the toys you want off the floor. But nothing you can do will make him pick up those toys unless he wants to.

Psst! Here's a little secret: You're more clever than your toddler is. So you can probably figure out a way to make him want to do what you want him to do. Try singing a cleanup song, like the one on Barney. Or make a game of picking up the toys. Open up the toy chest and see how many toys he can toss into it. Or challenge your toddler by saying, "Bet you can't clean up all these toys by the time the next song is over."

Childproofing

If your child becomes fixated on doing something dangerous, you'll have to make it impossible for him. childproofing is not a one-time deal, but an ongoing process. As your toddler explores his world, he will discover perils that you never even imagined. Remove these dangers so that you won't have to curtail your child's explorations again and again.

Another strategy that works well with toddlers is redirecting their energies. You can get your child to stop doing something unsafe or unacceptable by providing him with safe alternatives. If, for instance, your toddler picks up a breakable object and starts to throw it or drop it, offer him a trade. You might say, "Oh, do you want to throw something?" or "You want to play catch?" Then offer him a soft ball or something else safe to throw and take away the more fragile and dangerous object. Or if your child climbs up on the piano, pick him up and say, "Pianos are not for climbing, slides are for climbing." Then immediately bring him over to the plastic slide and get him interested in that.

A third strategy that works involves distraction. Your one-year-old still has a relatively short attention span. You can use this to your advantage by employing distraction to lure your child away from unsafe or unacceptable behavior. If you get your toddler interested in something else that's safe, he may soon forget what he had wanted to do before.

As a parent, it's your job to protect your child from himself and to safeguard others from your toddler's harmful impulses. If your child tries to do something that's unsafe for him or for others, it's your duty and responsibility to frustrate his intentions. But this doesn't mean you have to abandon your toddler to his state of frustration. If you simply tell your toddler that he can't do something that he wants to do, your child will probably create a scene. He may cry, he may kick, he may scream. But don't give in. Explain your reasoning and then quickly use trickery, redirection, and/or distraction to guide your child to more acceptable behavior that he also enjoys.

SKILL BUILDING THROUGH PLAY

Balance, Walking, and Climbing

Even before your child can walk, he can use toys and games to strengthen his leg muscles and improve his balance:

• Ride-on toys with wheels (cars, trucks, scooters, various animals) can help your child do both. Your one-year-old also will enjoy the mobility these toys provide: By pushing down with his feet, he can scoot along without having to stay on the ground. This gives your toddler an entirely new perspective on the world inside your home.
• After he's started walking, a pushcart or push-along corn popper can help him practice. Pushcarts are sometimes designed as shopping carts, trucks, baby carriages, vacuum cleaners, or lawn mowerswhich make them not only useful to the early walker, but also fun for later toddler games of make-believe
  Make sure any pushcart you choose has a low center of gravity. It needs to be stable enough for your early toddler to use the handle to pull himself to a standing position. If your child is not yet steady on his feet and the pushcart is lightweight or top heavy, it will flip over on top of him.
• A makeshift balance beam can help your toddler improve his balance and the coordination of his feet. At first, just set a six-foot length of board directly on the floor. As your child's balance improves enough to let him negotiate the length of the board successfully, then you can start to raise it a little by putting several books under each end of the board. By your child's second birthday, you may be able to raise it all the way to chair level.
• As your toddler's standing balanve and walking both improve, he will acquire the ability to turn his head while walking. At this point, a pull toy will entertain him, especially if it makes clicking or other noises. Noisy pull toys allow your child another opportunity to observe cause (movement) and effect (noise). Another good pull toy is a train that links up cars using hooks and rings. This encourages experimentation (will a ring connect with a ring?) while improving your toddler's manual dexterity.
• Near the end of your child's second year, he will enjoy "kicking" a large, soft ball. Actually, he won't really kick the ball, because he cannot yet sustain one-legged balance. But he'll use his legs and lower body to bump it along in front of him and he'll have a lot of fun doing it.
• Games and activities can help improve walking skills, too. "Ring-around-a-rosy" will let your toddler practice sitting, standing, squatting, jumping up, walking sideways in a circle, and maintaining his balance throughout. Dancing to many kind of music also will improve balance and walking skills.
• A toddler slide or toddler steps that are safe for your child to climb are also good ideas. Having a safe alternative will help curtail your toddler's urge to climb on more dangerous chairs, benches, sofas, tables, and shelves.
• After your toddler has mastered a variety of walking and climbing skills, set up an obstacle course using cloth tunnels, sofa cushions, cardboard boxes, toddler slides, and so on. Your child will love to crawl, climb, stand, and walk through, around, over, and under all the obstacles you create.

THE TERRIBLE TWOS: A PART OF EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

Why are they called the "terrible twos"? Probably because of the way two-year-olds express their emotions. Feelings are raw and powerful at age two. Most toddlers put their emotions right out there where you can see them clearly. So when your toddler is feeling happy and loving, she will throw her arms around you, she will beam and giggle and chortle, and she may even say in a singsong voice, "I love you." When your child feels sad or lonely, her face contorts with pain, and tears stream from her eyes as she desperately searches for your comfort and company. And when your child feels angry or frustrated, she screams and kicks and bites like a rabid animal. You've probably never seen such a naked expression of emotion as the display put on by your two-year-old.

And you're not the only one seeing the raw power of your child's emotions. Throughout the third year, your child will become increasingly aware of herself—and her emotions. What must it be like to notice emotions for the first time? Your child doesn't yet have the words to describe it, but she probably feels confused, overwhelmed, and frightened by the sheer power of her own feelings. For she knows that they are uncontrollable: that she cannot manage them by herself. They seem to come from out of the blue and possess her.

Your child probably doesn't even have the words to describe the increasing range of her emotions. Oh, sure, your toddler knows the basics: sad and glad and mad. But does she know the words for the more complex shadings that she now feels: scared, ashamed, guilty, jealous, kind, considerate, empathetic, embarrassed, resentful, disappointed, relieved, and proud?

Emotional Rescue

Your toddler needs your help to manage his emotions. He needs your help to find the words that express his needs and emotions. Your child also needs your help to cope with this new array of feelings. Perhaps you might dissipate your child's anger, helping to change the mood with a joke, a smile, or a treat. Or maybe you'll relieve some of his sadness or fear with a warm hug, kind words, and a soft voice.

Observe your child with care during this third year. Your two-year-old will send clear signals that telegraph his emotions. But he still needs you to receive them and translate them for him. Until your child has a greater facility with words, he needs you to help define his emotions. So do your best to pay attention and help your child acknowledge his feelings.

Try not to deny your toddler's feelings in your well-intended attempts to bolster his courage or relieve his pain. Eliminate from your vocabulary phrases like:

• "You're not scared of that pigeon, are you?"
• "Don't be sad."
• "There's nothing to be jealous about."
• "You don't have any reason to be angry."
• "Buck up, you're not hurt."

Your two-year-old is probably having a hard time just trying to comprehend his emotions in the first place. You make it that much harder if you deny that these feelings even exist—or if you deny their legitimacy. Children feel sad, mad, jealous, and hurt. Whether we have a right to feel the way we do, or whether our feelings are reasonable, we feel what we feel when we feel it. Your child has become a person, too. So don't deny what he finds so real, so powerful, and sometimes, so frightening.

PREPARING FOR KINDERGARTEN

Has Preschool Prepared Your Child for Kindergarten?

Preschool can provide an important introduction to the notion of schooling. For many children, preschool provides a "head start" in learning certain academic skills that they will be expected to learn in kindergarten and first grade.

If your child has attended a good preschool program, he will already have some rudimentary knowledge of such concepts as colors, shapes, numbers, and letter recognition (as well as the sounds that different letters produce).

Although the introduction to academic skills can give preschoolers a head start on kindergarten learning, preschool can have an even more important role in preparing kids for school. If your child has been attending preschool, the experience has given him the opportunity to develop social skills in group situations.

Q-tip

When you were a child, concepts such as colors, shapes, numbers, and letter recognition were taught in kindergarten. They still are; but today with two-income families and single working parents, children are exposed to these introductory academics in preschool or daycare programs. So if your child hasn't been in a preschool program, he may find himself behind the other children unless you've taken the time to teach him these skills.

Day care or preschool also gave your child the opportunity to develop strong friendships. Preschool provided day-to-day (or every other day, depending on how often your child attended) contact with the same children. Hopefully, this regular contact has allowed certain friendships to build. And his ability to form friendships will go a long way toward making your child's kindergarten experience easier.

Does this mean that if your child hasn´t attended a preeschool program that he will be socially backward when he first enters kindergarten? Of course not. A child who has had little or no contact with other children his own age may have a more difficult time adjusting to kindergartner. But classes for preschoolers (in swimming, gymnastics, dance, crafts, and so on), library reading groups, informal play at local parks, and plenty of playdates—in other words, a preschool program that you've designed and supervised yourself—can offer similar opportunities to practice social skills both in groups and one-on-one.

So if you have made sure that your child has had opportunities to play and learn with other children his age, he will have had plenty of practice at getting along and cooperating with others. And if you've made sure that your preschooler had the opportunity to make close friendships by seeing one or two other children on a regular basis, then you can be confident that he will make friends in kindergarten.

YOUR KINDERGARTNER

How They Grow in Kindergarten

Where They Are
The average five-year-old is enthusiastic, helpful, and conforming. He:

Attempts only things he knows he can do.

Needs attention, affection, and praise.

Is energetic and fidgety.

Has a short attention span.

May show opposite extremes of behavior.

May become less well-behaved as the school year progresses. Where They're Going
At five years old, your child is learning to understand herself. You can help by encouraging her as she:

Develops a positive, realistic self-image.

Learns to respect herself.

Begins to understand her own uniqueness.

Gains awareness of her feelings.

Learns to express feelings.

Learns how to participate in groups.

Begins to learn from her mistakes.

BODY PARTS WORKSHEET

CRYPTOGRAM PUZZLE WORKSHEET

HANDWRITING PRACTICE WORKSHEET

COUNTING PRATICE WORKSHEET

ALPHABETICAL ORDER WORKSHEET

WORD SCRAMBLE WORKSHEET

HOW TO RECOGNIZE THE EARLY SIGNS OF AUTISM

FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS

Everyone, from the youngest child to the oldest adult, experiences anxieties and fears at one time or another. Feeling anxious in a particularly uncomfortable situation never feels very good. However, with kids, such feelings are not only normal, they're also necessary. Dealing with anxieties can prepare young people to handle the unsettling experiences and challenging situations of life.

Many Anxieties and Fears Are Normal

Anxiety is defined as "apprehension without apparent cause." It usually occurs when there's no immediate threat to a person's safety or well being, but the threat feels real.

Anxiety makes someone want to escape the situation — fast. The heart beats quickly, the body might begin to perspire, and "butterflies" in the stomach soon follow. However, a little bit of anxiety can actually help people stay alert and focused.

Having fears or anxieties about certain things can also be helpful because it makes kids behave in a safe way. For example, a kid with a fear of fire would avoid playing with matches.

The nature of anxieties and fears change as kids grow and develop:

• Babies experience stranger anxiety, clinging to parents when confronted by people they don't recognize.
• Toddlers around 10 to 18 months old experience separation anxiety, becoming emotionally distressed when one or both parents leave.
• Kids ages 4 through 6 have anxiety about things that aren't based in reality, such as fears of monsters and ghosts.
• Kids ages 7 through 12 often have fears that reflect real circumstances that may happen to them, such as bodily injury and natural disaster.

As kids grow, one fear may disappear or replace another. For example, a child who couldn't sleep with the light off at age 5 may enjoy a ghost story at a slumber party years later. And some fears may extend only to one particular kind of stimulus. In other words, a child may want to pet a lion at the zoo but wouldn't dream of going near the neighbor's dog.

CHILD BEHAVIOR

10 TECHNIQUES TO SHAPE CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOR

Shaping means providing the child with cues and reinforcements that direct them toward desirable behavior. As you shape behavior, the child's personality tags along and also changes and improves. The main ways to shape a child's behavior are through:

• praise
• selective ignoring
• time-out
• consequences
• motivators
• reminders
• negotiation
• withdrawing privileges
• humor

1. PRAISE

Praise is a valuable shaper; children want to please you and keep your approval. Yet, you can easily overdo it. Praise the behavior, not the person. Praises like "good girl" or "good boy" risk misinterpretation and are best reserved for training pets. These labels are too heavy for some children. ("If I don't do well, does that mean I'm bad?") Better is: "You did a good job cleaning your room." "That's a good decision." "I like the way you used lots of color in this picture." The child will see that the praise is sincere since you made the effort to be specific; it shows that you're paying attention. For quickies try "Great job!" or "Way to go!" or even "Yesss!" To avoid the "I'm valued by my performance" trap, acknowledge the act and let the child conclude the act is praiseworthy. If you praise every other move the child makes he will either get addicted to praise, or wonders why you are so desperate to make him feel good about himself. Be realistic. You don't have to praise, or even acknowledge, things he just does for the joy of it, for his own reasons.

Shaping through praise works well if you have a specific behavior goal that you want to reach, for example, stopping whining. Initially, you may feel like you are acknowledging nearly every pleasant sound your child makes ("I like your sweet voice"). Eventually, as the whining subsides, the immediate need for praise lessens (of course, a booster shot is needed for relapses) and you move on to shaping another behavior.

Change praises

To keep your child's attention, change the delivery of your accolades. As you pass by the open door of the cleaner room, say: "Good job!" Show with body language a thumbs-up signal for the child who dresses herself. Written praises are a boon in large families. They show extra care. Private praises help, too. Leave little "nice work" notes on pillows, yellow "post-its" on homework, messages that convey that you noticed and that you are pleased. Children need praise, but don't overdo it. You don't want a child to look around for applause whenever she lifts a finger, like a dog expecting a cookie every time he does a trick.

As an exercise in praise-giving, write down how many times you praised and how many times you criticized your child in the last 24 hours. We call these pull-ups and put-downs. If your pull-ups don't significantly outnumber your pull-downs, you are shaping your child in the wrong direction.

Praise genuinely

Praise loses its punch if you shower acclaim on usual and expected behavior; yet when the child who habitually strikes out finally hits the ball, that's praiseworthy. Simply acknowledge expected behavior, rather than gushing praise.

Acknowledgment is dispassionate praise that shapes a child to please himself rather than perform for approval. Don't make up fake kudos. The child will see through them and begin to question even genuine praise. For example, before you praise, try to read your child's body language to see whether the child feels the job is praiseworthy: "Daddy, look at my drawing I did at school. I got an 'A'." If she approaches you eagerly, displaying her picture for all to see, this child deserves praise that shares her excitement. If she pulls the paper out of her schoolbag and tosses it on the kitchen table, praise may not be in order.

Use the art of complimenting

Teach your child to be comfortable giving and receiving compliments. Tell your child, "What a handsome boy you are" or "How pretty you look in that dress!" Eye and body contact during your delivery reinforces the sincerity of your acknowledgment. Make sure you're sincere. When you hear your children complimenting one another, compliment yourself for your modeling.

Children with weak self-worth have difficulty giving and receiving compliments. They are so hung up on how they imagine the receiver will take their tribute, that they clam up; they feel so unworthy of any compliment that they shrug off the compliment and put off the complimenter. If you are like that as a person, learn to give and take a compliment yourself so that you can model this to your child. Compliment yourself, "I feel good about the sale I made today!" Acknowledge your child's praise, "You're the best mommy." "Thank you, honey, I like to hear that." Some mothers (and fathers) hear these words often, yet deny the truth of their child's words by the outward response they give (sighing, gulping, frowning, shrugging or grimacing) and by their internal guilt trip. If this is you, get some help believing what your child intuitively knows—you're the best parent for this child. Parental self-image directly affects children's self-confidence and the ability to give and receive compliments comfortably.

Avoid praises with a hidden agenda

I had been on our teenager's case about dressing more modestly. One day I said, "I like your new wardrobe." She saw right through this, and took it as a put-down of her old wardrobe. She interpreted my comment as trying to manipulate what she wears. A better approach would have been more specific and more centered on her: "That longer shirt really makes you look graceful" or "Classy jacket—you look ready for college."

Problems with praise

While appropriately-used praise can shape behavior, it's not the only way to reinforce good behavior. In some ways it's superficial. Praise is an external motivator. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—inner motivation. We praise good grades and have always motivated our children by planting the idea that good grades are one ticket to success. We always temper our praise with "How do you feel about your report card? We want you to get good grades mainly because it makes you happy." When possible, turn the focus back on the child's feelings: "You played well at the recital. I bet you're relieved and proud." Best results with praise to shape behavior is setting the conditions that help children know how and when to praise themselves.

EXPECT GOOD BEHAVIOR

Excessive praise will give children the message that obedience and good behavior are optional. It's better to give your child the message that he is doing exactly what you expect, not something out of the ordinary. Children are programmed to meet your expectations. Sometimes all that is needed for you to break a negative cycle is to expect good behavior. Treat them as if they really are going to choose right. When parents don't expect obedience, they generally don't get it. 

 

2. SELECTIVE IGNORING

To preserve parental sanity, in our large family we run a tight ship in certain situations. In other areas we are more lax. We have learned to ignore smallies and concentrate on biggies. A smallie is a behavior which is annoying but doesn't harm humans, animals, or property, or which even if uncorrected does not lead to a biggie. These childish irresponsibility's will self-correct with time and maturity. Ignoring helps your child respect the limits of a parent's job description (e.g., "I don't do petty arguments"). One day two five-year-olds were playing in our front yard, and they got into a toy squabble. No one was getting hurt. They tried to drag Martha into the ring. She simply said, "You kids are too big to act like this. That's such a silly little toy to get upset about. I'm not even going to waste my time getting involved." She walked away. The kids got the point and settled the problem themselves.

Ignoring undesirable behaviors works best if you readily acknowledge desirable ones. The ignored interrupter learns to enter adult conversations with "excuse me" once you reinforce the use of these polite addresses. Ignore the misbehavior, not the child.

Harmless behaviors fade both as your tolerance level widens and your reactions don't reinforce the child's behavior. It's helpful to gain practice in selective ignoring in the early years of a child's life to prepare you for the challenges yet to come—accepting teenagers with their unconventional dress and hairstyles, loud music, and moody behaviors. 

3. HELP YOUR CHILD LEARN THAT CHOICES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

Experiencing the consequences of their choices is one of the most effective ways children can learn self-discipline. These lessons really last because they come from real life. Most success in life depends on making wise choices. Being able to think ahead about the positive or negative consequences of an action and choose accordingly is a skill we want our children to learn.

Building a child's natural immunity to bad choices

Letting natural consequences teach your child to make right choices is a powerful learning tool. Experience is the best teacher: He's careless, he falls; he grabs something hot, he gets burned; he leaves his bicycle in the driveway, it gets stolen. Wise parents protect their children so they don't get seriously hurt, but do not overprotect to the extent the child doesn't learn the consequences of his folly. Some bruises and scrapes along the way are unavoidable and educational.Children make unwise choices on the way to becoming responsible adults. Children must experience the consequences of their actions in order to learn from them. Within reason and safe limits, let your infant explore, fail, bump, and learn. Expect your preschooler to help clean up his messes. Let your school-age child experience the penalty for not completing homework by bedtime. After years of small inoculations of consequences, the child enters adolescence at least partially immunized against bad choices, having had some genuine experience with decision-making. Children learn better from their own mistakes than from your preventive preaching.

Adolescence

is a time when the consequences of wrong choices are serious. The child who has learned to deal with smallies is more likely to be successful with biggies. Being a wise immunizer means keeping a balance between overprotecting your child and being negligent ("Let him get hurt, he'll learn.") In the first case, the child enters adolescence with little practice at handling inevitable conflicts and risks. In the second case, the child feels no one cares. Either way, there are rough times ahead.

Sometimes the best solution is to offer your child guidance, state your opinion, and then back off and let the consequence teach your child. Use each consequence as a teachable moment, not an opportunity to gloat. Avoid sentences that begin with "I told you so..." or "If you would have listened to me..." But to be sure that your child learns these little lessons of life, talk through each situation. Replay the tape so that your child gets the point that choices count, and his actions affect what happens. You want your child to realize that he is happier and his life runs more smoothly when he makes wise, though perhaps not easy, choices. Let the consequence speak for itself. The child spills her soda and there's no more soda – without your commentary.

Use logical consequences to correct

Besides letting natural consequences teach your child, you can set up parent-made consequences tailored to have lasting learning value for your child. Here's a logical consequence that parents in our practice tried: "Our son was four-years-old, and we had just moved into a new house. He had gotten a new bedroom set and was feeling very proud and grown up, enjoying his privacy and playing with his friends. When it was time for his friends to leave, and our son became angry and kept slamming the door. I asked him to stop and explained patiently why he shouldn't keep slamming the door. I told him (after thirty minutes) that if this behavior continued, he would no longer enjoy the privacy of a door: "Brett, if you keep slamming the door, I'm going to take it off. (He got this "Yeah, sure, dad's going to take the door off" look of disbelief on his face). For the next three days every time he got a little upset, he slammed the door. So on the fourth day our son went out to play, and when he returned he found his door had been removed from the hinges. But he only noticed it when he went to slam it and it was not there. A week later we put it back. Four years have passed, and he hasn't slammed the door since."

Our then ten-year-old, Erin, treasured her new bike, but now and then she would carelessly leave it overnight on the front sidewalk. We kept reminding her to put her bike in the garage at the end of the day so it wouldn't get stolen, but she still often forgot. So one day we hid the bike. When she got up the next morning, there was no bike. "Perhaps it got stolen?" we offered. Erin was heartbroken; she had already had one bike stolen because she left it out. We gave her time to work through her feelings of loss, guilt, remorse, anger—all the emotions that one has when you blow it and it's your fault. Then we rescued the bike, and Erin. She realized this loss could have been real, and the bike slept safely in the garage thereafter.

For the most learning value, balance negative with positive consequences: The child who frequently practices the piano gets the thrill of moving through his books quickly and receiving hearty applause at his recital. The child who consistently takes care of her bicycle merits a new one when she outgrows it; otherwise, she gets a used one. The child who puts his sports equipment away in the same place each time gets the nice feeling of always being able to find his favorite bat or soccer ball.

In these examples, no amount of punishment could have had the lasting teaching value of natural and logical consequences. With punishment, children see no connection between their behavior and the discipline. With consequences, the child makes the connection between the behavior and the results. You plant a lesson of life: take responsibility for your behavior. 

4. MOTIVATORS AND REWARDS

Children and adults behave according to the pleasure principle: behavior that's rewarding continues, behavior that's unrewarding ceases. While you don't have to go to the extreme of playing behavioral scientist, dangling cheese in front of little rats to direct them through the maze, you can invent creative ways to motivate desirable behavior with rewards. Motivators help family life run more smoothly: "First one in bed picks the story."

A word of caution

Prizes are a way to entice your child toward goals you've made for him. The ultimate goal is self-discipline – a child behaves because she wants to or because she knows you expect good behavior. She shouldn't expect a prize each time she behaves well. A friend who home-schooled her child until he was eight found that when he entered school as an already a strong reader who was motivated by the pleasure he found in reading, the reward system for reading used by the teacher was not appropriate for him. He made out like a bandit. Slowly his motivation shifted from reading for pleasure to reading for prizes. Ideally, a job well done like reading and finishing a book should be its own reward. Some children may need rewards to get them to read in the first place, but you run the risk that these children will never read for pleasure.

Still, kids are human, and humans go for that chunk of cheese. You do a job well partly because of the rewards you expect to get. If "rewards" or "bribes" offend the moralist in you, call them "motivators." An attachment-parented child is more likely to be motivated by social rewards than by prizes: "This coupon is good for one lunch date with Mommy or Daddy."

To work, a reward must be something your child likes and truly desires. Ask some leading questions to get ideas:

• "If you could do some special things with mom or dad, what would they be?"
• "If you could go somewhere with a friend, where would you like to go?
• "If you had a dollar, what would you buy?"

Granting privileges and rewards are discipline tools to set limits and get jobs done. "If you hurry and do a good job cleaning your room, you might get finished in time to play outside before dinner."

Rewards that work

The best rewards are ones that are natural consequences of good behavior: "You're taking such good care of your train set. Let's go to the train store and get another boxcar." The natural consequences of good behavior are not always motivating enough in themselves. Sometimes it's necessary to fabricate a reward.

Reward charts

Charts are a helpful way to motivate young children. They see their progress and participate in the daily steps toward the reward. The chart stands out as a testimony of good behavior for all to see. Charts work because they are interactive and fun. Even the business world uses charts as profit motivators. Throughout life many children will be surrounded by performance charts, so they may as well get used to seeing them in their home. When nothing else seems to be working, behavior charts help a child get over the hump of extinguishing an undesirable behavior. As you weed out undesirable behaviors one by one, your child gradually gets used to the feelings that come with good behavior, and these feelings become self-motivating. The need for charting lessens as your child grows, and you will need to find new clutter for your kitchen wall. In making reward charts, consider these tips:

• Follow the basic rule: KISMIF – Keep it simple, make it fun.
• Work with your child. Let your child help construct the chart and make daily entries.
• Construct the chart so that the child has a visual image of closing in on the reward. We have gotten best results from a "connect the dots" chart. Have the child draw a picture of what she wants. Then outline the periphery of the picture with dots several inches apart. With each day of successful behavior (e.g., each time he remembers to take out the trash) the child connects another dot. When all the dots are connected, the child collects the prize.
• Display the chart in a high visibility location. (We strategically place ours on the wall along the path between the kitchen table and the refrigerator.) Giving the chart a high profile and high visibility gives the child easy access, serves as a frequent reminder of the desired behavior, and lets her proudly exhibit her progress.
• Make the chart interactive: connecting dots, pasting on stickers or different colored stars, anything more interesting than a check mark.
• Charts can contain positive and negative entries, reminders of both types of behaviors. In my office we use daily charts to correct bedwetting in children older than five. The child puts a happy face sticker on the chart every morning he wakes up dry and a sad face sticker on the chart on mornings he wakes up wet. If the happy faces outnumber the sad faces at the end of the week, the child gets to choose where he wants to go for lunch on Saturday.
• Keep the time until the prize is collected short. Frequent, simple rewards keep motivation high. For a toddler, use end-of-the-hour rewards; for the preschooler, end-of-the-day rewards; for the school-age child, end-of-the- week rewards. A month is an unreachable eternity for any child. For the preschool child, rather than set a calendar time, refer to an event such as "dinner time" or "after Sunday school." Novelty wears off quickly for children. Change charts frequently.

Creative rewards

Besides charts, design your own clever motivators. Because her six-year-old's toy of the month was a doll house, a mother chose a piece of furniture or clothing for the doll as a weekly reward for the child keeping her room tidy. And she related the reward to the behavior: "When you show me you can keep your room tidy, then we'll furnish your doll house." She used periodic reminders: "Let's keep your room as nice as you do your doll house."

To keep order among the seven-to-nine-year-old boys at our twice-monthly Cub Scout meetings, we use the "good behavior candle." The object is to burn the candle all the way down so the whole group can have a treat. At the beginning of the meeting we light the candle. The candle stays lit until a disruption occurs. The disrupter has to blow out the candle. The sooner the candle burns down (e.g., the fewer disruptions), the sooner the boys get a prize. Consider what's going on in their impressionable minds. Each time someone snuffs out a candle, they halt the progress toward the prize. Since children don't like to delay gratification, they're motivated to snuff out their own disruptive behavior.

The ticket system

Tina and her four-year-old daughter Haley were very connected. Haley had been a high-need baby and turned into a strong-willed child. Here is how Tina channeled Haley's obstinate behavior in the right direction and had fun doing it:

Haley and I were butting heads, and it seemed like our whole day was becoming increasingly full of negatives. All the techniques I'd tried before weren't working. So I tried what we fondly refer to as the ticket system. This took incredible stress off me as a mother, and I was no longer the bad guy. I give her three 'free' tickets to start the day. She earns tickets for helping without being asked, for doing assigned chores, for having a good attitude, etc. She loses tickets for whining, complaining, refusing to obey (which eliminated the on-going 'By the time I count to three' line that I was always using). The tickets became like gold, and after a while she became more and more eager to please. At the end of the day or the week Haley got a special treat that was prearranged according to the number of coupons she had collected (frozen yogurt, a movie, a hamburger, etc.).

With Haley, it was very difficult to see the 'positive' in her behavior. The ticket system forced me to 'catch' her at being good, as opposed to just seeing the bad. I found myself saying things such as, 'I liked the way you smiled when you woke up this morning' or 'Thank you for waiting your turn on the swing without screaming or crying.' Delayed gratification was not Haley's strong suit, so I would carry tickets with me everywhere we went, so that she not only heard my words of praise, but saw tangible evidence of her good behavior. This also enabled me to take them from her just as quickly to show the immediate consequence of her unacceptable behavior. This game helped her to understand that I still loved her and that she was a good person, but there were guidelines that needed to be followed. It helped me not to yell and continually feel the need to raise my voice. It was also a system my husband Steve could quickly pick up after a hard day's work and on the weekends without feeling left out. We've also allowed baby-sitters to use it to reward Haley for cooperating.

For us, the ticket system has eliminated the need to spank, and 'time-out' is reserved for those really trying times when separation is best for both us and Haley. Altogether, it has greatly lessened the power struggle that I have felt with Haley since she was very young. This is not a system for everyone's problems. It's very time-consuming for us, and Haley because it constantly keep us informed if we're slipping up on our duties. It is, however, a lot of fun and well worth the effort.

 

5. REMINDERS

"But I forgot." "But I didn't know I was supposed to." As lame as these excuses sound to adults, children do honestly forget and need reminders to keep their behavior on track.

Reminders are cues that jog the hazy memory of a busy child. They may be subtle prompts in the form of a look that tells the about-to-be-mischievous child, "You know better," or a short verbal cue that turns on the child's memory: "Ah! Where does that plate belong?" Some situations call for a major reminder and follow through that rings the child's memory bell loud and clear: "Remember what we've said about running in the street! A car could hit you! You have to look both ways!" (See related topic, Danger Discipline).

Reminders are less likely to provoke a refusal or a power struggle than are outright commands. You have already painted the scene in your child's mind, he knows what you expect, and he has previously agreed to it. Reminders prompt a child to complete a behavior equation on her own. You give a clue and the child fills in the blanks. You stand over a pile of homework sprawled on the floor, then scowl disapprovingly. He gets the message and picks up the homework without you even saying a word.

Written reminders

Go over better with children who don't like to feel controlled. You avoid a face-off. It's up to the child to carry out the reminder in good time to avoid getting a verbal direction. A recent note on Erin's door read, "Please remove the dishes from your room before they start growing things." Frequent reminders of what's acceptable and what's not lets the child know what is normal for your home. 

 

6. THE ART OF NEGOTIATING

Bargaining with your child doesn't compromise your authority. It strengthens it. Children respect parents who are willing to listen to them. Until they leave home, children must accept your authority— that's not negotiable; but that doesn't mean you can't listen to their side of things.

Negotiating is a win-win situation that benefits both parents and children. Parents show that they are approachable and open to another's viewpoint—a quality children become more sensitive about as they approach adolescence. In teen years you will find that negotiating becomes your main behavior management tool, because adolescents like to be treated as intellectual equals and expect you to respect their viewpoint. If used wisely, negotiating improves communication between parent and child. A stubborn insistence on having your own way has the opposite effect. "I just can't talk to my dad," said Jessica, a teenager whose father's attitude was "Don't confuse me with the facts, my mind is made up." Even the wishes of a seven or eight-year-old should be open to negotiation. This is a warm-up time to help you sharpen your negotiating skills for the years ahead.

"Why do I have to go to bed at 9 o'clock?" argued ten-year-old Margo."What time do you think is a good bedtime for you?" asked Father Negotiator."Ten o'clock," Margo suggested."That extra hour means a lot to you doesn't it? What would you do during that extra hour?""I could read," Margo pleaded."Remember how tired you are the next morning when you stay up late. You fall asleep at school," Father reminded her."But that was last year, dad. I'm older now," Margo countered."Yes, I guess you are. Let's try this," Father suggested. "On school nights you must be in bed at nine o'clock and you can read in bed until 9:30. On nights when you don't have school the next day you can stay up until ten o'clock."

The child thought this was acceptable, and her reasoning was validated. The father achieved his goal being sure his child got enough sleep. He knew that after five minutes of reading in bed she would probably fall asleep, which she did. As this volley went back and forth, the father was earning points with his child. The child was getting the message that "I can talk to my dad. He is reasonable, and he really does care about what's good for me. My father listens, and he has some wise things to say."

Sometimes let your child take the lead. Use a well-known negotiating tool: Meet the child where he is, and then bring him to where you want him to be. For example, you want your child to sit and read a book with you, but he's intent on wrestling as evidenced by his grabbing your arm and showing signs that he wants physical play. Let him spend a bit of energy rough-housing on the floor. Tire him out enough so that he can then sit still and read the book. This is not giving into the child or letting the child be in control, it's simply being a smart negotiator. It's a way to bring your child back to your agenda after a short excursion that satisfies the needs of his agenda.

Follow the house rules

Command and exhibit respect during negotiations. If your child starts yelling or acting disrespectful of your authority, close the discussion: "You must not talk to me in that tone, Susan. I'm the mother, you're the child, and I expect respect." This sets the tone for future negotiations. You may have to remind your child of this non-negotiable fact of family life often during the pre-teen and teen years. Because of the constant haggling that older children do, it is easy to let your authority slip away. Don't! You need this authority to keep order in the house, and your child will need to respect authority to get along in life.

There will be situations when you don't want to dicker with your child. You know you're right and your child is being unreasonable. Before the child works himself into a dither, break off the negotiations. That's the parents' prerogative. "That's a no-good rotten TV program, and I've told you before why I am not going to let you watch it. I will not change my mind about this so don't even start on me." Then walk away. Children need to learn when parents mean business. Parents can't use this approach every time or children will see them as tyrants Be prepared to allow the child to watch other programs that are acceptable.

If used wisely, negotiation can become a valuable communication tool, helping children develop their reasoning abilities. Teach your child that negotiations work best when everyone is calm and peaceful, not in the heat of the moment. "No for now, but I'll talk it over with your dad and get back to you tonight." "I don't like the way you are talking to me. Come back later when you're feeling more peaceful." When you're not sure, or feeling pressured, decide not to decide. 

8. WITHDRAWING PRIVILEGES

Withdrawing privileges is one of the few behavior shapers you never run out of. Kids will always want something from you. For this correction technique to have a good chance of preventing recurrence of a misbehavior, the child must naturally connect the privilege withdrawal with the behavior: "If you ride your tricycle into the street, you lose the use of your tricycle for the rest of the day."

Your child dawdles and misses the morning carpool, so he walks to school. This correction technique is commonly used in adult law enforcement: You get caught driving drunk and you lose your license. But this doesn't cure your drinking problem. So you see, withdrawing privileges has its limits as a discipline technique. What does withholding television have to do with being home in time for supper, a child may wonder.

Losing privileges can work if it's part of a pre-agreed behavior management strategy decided on during a family meeting. Parents state the behaviors they expect from their children and announce that part of the fun of being a parent is granting privileges to the children so they can have some fun too. But if the children don't hold up their end of the bargain, the parents can not grant those privileges. So, being home in time for supper gets you the privilege of a half-hour of TV rather than the TV time being an inalienable right of every citizen of the household. As children get older they need to learn a valuable lesson for life: With increasing privileges come increasing responsibilities. 

9. NO NATTERING

"You're picking your nose again." "Watch where you're going." "Late again!" "Can't you do anything right?" Persistent negative comments like these, called nattering, nip away at a child's self-worth. Studies show that nattering does not improve behavior; it actually worsens it. Nattering is especially defeating in children with a poor self-image. Nattering and repeating commands make children nervous. Some children exhibit more than their fair share of negative behavior, but constantly reminding them produces more negative behavior. It is better to purposely pick out some redeeming qualities and concentrate on the positives ("I like the way you stepped aside for your sister"). You will see the negatives melt away.

Continuing to talk, or repeating advice that you've previously given, tells the child that you don't trust her to carry out a simple request, such as "Put a load of laundry in, please." If you add a string of qualifiers, you're teaching her you don't trust her to do it right (your way). If you can't stop "advising," start writing notes. 

10. HOLDING A FAMILY MEETING

Family meetings are good times to set house rules. You are relaxed and the children are more receptive. Spur-of-the-moment rules ("You're grounded!") made when you are angry are likely to be unfair and unfollowed. Getting together to sort out discipline problems is a valuable way for parents and children to express their concerns. Discipline problems that involve one child should be handled privately, but there are times when all the children get a bit lax in the self-control department and the whole family needs a reminder. Suppose your house is continually a mess. Call a family meeting and invite suggestions from the children on how to keep the house tidy. Use a chalkboard to make it more businesslike. Write down the problem and propose solutions. Put together a "kids want/parents want" list in order to set goals. To avoid chore wars, we assign each child a room to tidy. Then we know who is responsible and who to compliment. Formulate house rules for happier living. Arriving at a general consensus is better than voting, which has winners and losers. Try a suggestion box and have the children write their suggestions on little cards. You'll learn a lot about your living habits that way. I got a suggestion from my teenage daughter: "Daddy, please ask me to help instead of giving orders." You can use family councils to help a child solve a problem. Develop a share-and-care atmosphere. Make the meeting fun. Besides your living room, try other meeting places, such as a family picnic at the park. Meetings shape family behavior and are a forum in which to foster family communication.